People Made Of Straw (1): The Scientist

As part of our ongoing mission of satire and self-satire and meta self-satire, I present to you, The Scientist, in his own words:

Hello. My name is Scientist. I can explain everything to you, including things beyond my field!

What is my field, you ask? Well, don't you worry about that! That's for people like me to worry about. You just sit back and let me know when something is confusing about something you thought you knew about. Then I will know that I am doing my job well.

That's right, the job of Scientist!

Today's lecture will be on the importance of What I Say as opposed to What You Say. Now, I know you may not understand What I Say, but trust me, the correlation coefficient is extremely high, whereas for What You Say, it is very low. Moreover, there is almost complete goodness of fit between What I Say and What I Already Believed, which goes further in demonstrating exactly how accurate it is.

Now, you might say, “But wait, Scientist, aren't you and the institutions you learn in subject to social forces as well, coloring the degree of empirical accuracy of your statements?” However, this type of criticism is only taken seriously by postmodernists and philosophers of science – manly, practicing scientists such as myself will grant there is a small but ignorable error introduced by social conditioning and social conditions of academia, and then proceed to ignore any effects that might be produced by said error. This is reasonable because, as stated above, What I Say is generally more accurate than What You Say, and therefore, I am right and your points are irrelevant, regardless of accuracy.

That is assuming I pay any attention to your critiques. It is much easier for me to sit back and allow those who are no more informed than you are to leap to the defense of Science and claim that what you are articulating is Anti-Scientific and have already been disproved by Sokol. Then I can go on about What I Know and become irrelevant to the main thread of the conversation, which will degenerate into back and forth claims about The Flying Spaghetti Monster and what the word 'theory' means.

Some lone and curious souls, however, will take interest in what I say and my esoteric pontification will continue forward without any consideration of its effects discursively or materially, thus elevating me to the level of Master once again, with these haggard (and wonderfully uninformed!) souls as my Apprentices.

And so the magic of Science continues!

In conclusion, although I have no proof, and it is beyond my actual study to say so, Everything I Have Said Is right, while all of your rejoinders are wrong. I look forward to your response.


All Your Base Are Belong To Me,



All your base are belong to Scientist.

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